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Hard to see the light now. Just don't let it go... [23 Mar 2005|07:05pm]
So I'm not writing in this anymore.
Apparently some of my friends can't be trusted, who knows which one?
Whatever, I don't even care about that. I just wanted a place where I could write about how I was feeling.
Apparently it can't be here.
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I don't care how you get here.... [21 Mar 2005|09:11pm]
[ mood | sad ]

So, I haven't updated in a few days. I guess I should start with the most important event. Drama Fest. Quite an exciting day, with a few minor bumps. Ashlynd and I caught Bo carressing the balloons. He can no longer hide his obsession. Awards ceremony. We got 2 awards, ensemble acting and costumes. The Prep and Reading both got about 10 awards each, so everyone pretty much assumed they were moving on. Then the announcement. The first show moving on? Hamilton Whenem. Ok, I'll admit that at that point I had lost a lot of hope of us advancing. Second show moving on? BOB'S DATE!!! THAT'S RIGHT!!! I don't even remember hearing St. John's getting advanced...we were all screaming and crying, Michelle landed on my lap at some point. It was amazing. Best day ever.

Tonight was the NHS induction. I really did not want to go. But when I got there...something made my day. Mr. Rowe was there, my favorite teacher that I've ever had in my entire life. He came. After the ceremony I found him and he gave me flowers. I really couldn't believe it. We talked, I cried a little...he told me he would come to Seussical. I'm so happy.

However, I invited my dad...and he didn't show up. I don't know why I'm so upset about it, but I really am. I don't know why I get my hopes up...I don't know why I believe him. It's all lies, it always is. I really thought he would come this time. I was wrong. It's sad that him not coming is making me feel so awful...when people who really do care about me, like Mr. Rowe and my mom made the effort and came. And the one person who doesn't care about me is the person whose actions are effecting me the most. I don't get it.

"I won't forget the day that, that I found God
In a kitchen knife now and on my arm
So paint the pale white floor with, with my red life
And tell myself this pain is the pain I love
As I swallow the pills of happiness"

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Did I take a step too far? [17 Mar 2005|01:27pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

Things are better. A little. I talked to Kris about how I've been feeling lately, and he made me feel better. I mean...2 groups of people are telling me 2 different things. And I know neither group is trying to hurt me, I know they're both telling me what they believe based on what's happened to them. It's my choice who to believe and who I want my friends to be; who I want to care about, and who I want to care about me.

I love voicemails from Smann, even when my phone is dead and doesn't get them! Haha That's ok. She's one of my favorites...but shh...don't tell! ;)

Well, today was a half day. McCue didn't flip out when I told him I was going to miss the next test too, which is good I suppose. My day was pretty easy. Now I'm home and I have Seussical rehearsal at 2:30, and then Bob's Date rehearsal/Bob's Date open run...everyone should come! 7:00 pm at the school...and it's free. Tomorrow is a Friday....acoustic show at night. Saturday --- SEMIS!! I'm so excited. I hope everything goes well. I know it will. Sunday...Fame auditions? I don't know. I have to ponder that one a little more.

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I'm lost today, I'm not okay.... [15 Mar 2005|06:46pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]

I'm having a bad day. Is it because I'm still sick? Maybe. Is it because I'm not going to Fall River or the Chorus concert today? Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know. I really just hate myself lately. That's really all that I know. I say I love my friends, and I do. I truly do. I love them so much and they are all such amazing people. But sometimes when you have amazing, talented friends...it's easy to not feel good enough. I feel like I call them my friends...but we're only friends in school. As soon as that last bell rings, or rehearsal gets out...they completly forget about me. And it's hard when those people, the people who I feel forget about me, are the people telling me that I can talk to them...that they want me to talk to them on my bad days, that they're the ones care about me, that they're the ones who don't want me to hurt...how am I supposed to believe that? Their support feels empty. And the fact that I care so much about them hurts even more, because I want them to care about me...and I want to really care about them, but none of it feels real. I feel completly alone when I'm with them...like I'm the one tagging along who they don't really want there, which is what hurts the most. I feel alone, and that I don't have one person who believes in me no matter what...one person who is there for me unconditionally. And I don't want to minimize how much some of my friends have been there for me lately. Jenn, Smann, Kelly...I can't express how much they've meant to me the past few days. But it's sad because they are the ones I feel this way about the most, which seems like a complete paradox. I just want someone who understands me, and I feel like I don't have that anymore. I thought I did...but the past few days it's been gone.
I'm scared to go back to school tomorrow because I don't want to see them. I want someone who is there for me so badly that when I see them tomorrow I'll forget all this. And then it will start over. School will end and they'll be gone, and I'll feel this way again. It's stupid. I don't want to sound like I'm whining, I don't want to sound like I don't appriciate them...I do more than they can even know. I just wish I felt loved, appriciated, needed...missed. Sometimes songs really say what you can't express. "You bleed just to know you're alive."

-Well, I guess I just needed to vent. I love you all so much. I just feel alone. All I want is "one true friend in the universe who believes in me..."

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DO THIS [14 Mar 2005|09:00pm]
If you read this,
Even if i don't speak to you often,
You must post a memory of me.

It can be anything you want, it can be good or bad,

Just so long as it happened.

Then post this to your journal. See what people remember about your memories.
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I was hooked from the start when I noticed your kind and your powerful heart... [14 Mar 2005|05:29pm]
[ mood | still sick ]

First Seussical rehearsal today. I'm so excited. Me and Anne had fun reading all the Bird Girl parts! I think, for the most part, the casting was great. Especially Kris and Jackie. They will be great.

I'm still sick. I'm going to the doctors for the third time tonight. Yes.

**My cousin, Trevor, has epilepsy and is in a coma right now. Please send him good thoughts and prayers. I love you, Trev. Hang in there.

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What's that in the bread? It's gone to my head.... [13 Mar 2005|10:53am]
[ mood | sick ]

So, I've been sick all weekend. So this is what I do when I have nothing else to do, I guess. I've done nothing this weekend except catch up on HBO movies and read some Great Gatsby. I really hate being sick. It makes me feel...well...sick.

I hope I can go to school tomorrow, but we'll see. Even if I don't, I'll probably go to rehearsal.

I love my friends. All of them. End of story.

Now I'm going to take another nap.

(This was a pointless entry, but I have nothing else to do.)

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[12 Mar 2005|09:58am]
[ mood | calm ]

Things are better now than they were last night. I mean, it's not the situation that anyone wants to be in...but I'm not sad. So it's good. I love my friends, and I would never want any of them to be sad because of me. I'm just glad everything worked out.

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[12 Mar 2005|12:05am]
[ mood | sad ]

So most of today was pretty great. Most of today.

I went into school 3rd period, easy day. During the Spanish Bowl Jen, Kelly and I had a nice talk. I love them. Kelly and I stayed after and watched Bob's Date again. Seeing Kyle play Confidence was funny. Smann, Kelly and I went out for a bit and then went back to school to see the cast list. I got Bird Girl #2, which I was very happy about. Smann got Mrs. Mayor, which is great, and Kelly is in the ensemble...which I have a few opinions about, but I'll keep them to myself! (I heart you Kelly!)

I then went homeand got ready for Miss Tanner City. Steph's act actually went well! haha! She ended up getting 1st runner up which was great! Show Choir sang and that went good too. We went to Kelly's and that was fun. Things were a little awkward all night, due to events that happened in school today.

So then I came home and decided to clear up the awkwardness. That just ended in sadness, but then again, why should it end any different? But at least the awkwardness is gone now...or maybe not.

I'm just going to bed now. It's sad that a great day had to end on a bad note.
--and people wonder why I do the things I do...--

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If I was not the first, just say I'll be the last.... [11 Mar 2005|09:17am]
[ mood | anxious ]

I'm sick. Blah. I'm going into school soon though, probably halfway through third period. Cast list goes up today. I'm a little nervous, but I'm trying not to think about it. We'll see what happens after school today.

Miss Tanner City is tonight. I'm in Steph's act. She's doing "Loathing" from Wicked. It's pretty good. Bryan F, Jackie and I made it up. And Dave is Elphie...in a chorale dress and painted green. I love it! Haha! Show Choir is singing "Trashin' the Camp" and "Stand By Me" tonight, too. I have a solo and a small group thing in "Trashin' the Camp". I hope it goes alright, since I'm sick and all, but we're going to practice tonight, so it should be good.

Well, I should go to school now.

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somehow i've fallen under your spell... [10 Mar 2005|06:08pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

well, the past few days have been pretty hectic what with fest and auditions and all. seussical auditions went pretty well i suppose. i felt really good about callbacks until the night of dance auditions, but what can you do? everyone said i did really well at my dance audition too...so we'll see what happens tomorrow.

me and smann have been talking more lately, which i love. it's not like we didn't talk much before...but i guess we really didn't. but this past week she's really been there. with things that would be awkward for other people, and other friends if they had been in her situation. and i love her for that. i feel like she is one of the few people i can tell things...and she won't judge me. i love all my friends, but i know if i told other friends the things i told her today...i wouldn't have felt good after. i just love smann. and i don't want her to leave. ever.

i auditioned for nsmt stage four today. went pretty good. i love derek. haha. they're doing seussical and aida...i said i'd rather be in aida, but that's only because it's going to be a world premiere like ragtime! plus i feel like i might be a little sick of suessical by then. well see what happens, i just want to do the program.

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